Business Correspondence Critique (Post #3)
Copy into this blog post a business letter/email that you, a member of your family or a friend received, one which you feel that you can share with your classmates. Next, analyze the letter/email according to the 7Cs in writing and principles of business correspondence and write a critique of about 200 words, showing the positive and negative points, and suggesting how the letter/email can be written more effectively.
After you have read your blogging group classmates’ posts, comment on each of their critiques to show whether you agree with their analysis.
Friday, 06 February 2009
Dear Jonathan (VP414422),
1) Match Your Packages
You can match your USA purchase invoice and packages using the online Matching Service to expedite the processing of your own packages! Learn more.
2) Include VP Number
When filling up your shipping address at the merchant̢۪s website, include your VP Number in BOTH the Name field and the 2nd Address Line.
Please remember to add vPOST Member Newsletter (newsletter@vpost.com.sg) to your email address book to continue receiving our emails in your mailbox.
Unsubscribe
This email is a vPOST advertisement. You are currently subscribed to receive our email advertisements. If you no longer want to receive our email advertisements - Click here to unsubscribe and we will promptly remove you from our mailing list.
Privacy
vPOST respects your privacy and will never ask for personal information in an email advertisement or sell your email address to a third party. Click here to contact us.
Sign On Credentials
Please be reminded not to provide anyone with your sign on credentials (vPOST ID and password) and/or other credible information to access to vPOST online.
Products limited and may sell out at any time. Prices are subject to change.
©2008 vPOST.com.sg. All rights reserved.
Singapore Post Limited (Reg No. 199201623M), 10 Eunos Road 8, Singapore Post Centre, Singapore 408600
Sadly, I really do not receive any business letters or emails (perhaps students do not have a great spending power) so this is the only email within months that fits the bill.
In terms of courtesy, the email parts "unsubscribe" and "privacy" score, using positive wording and adopting a 'you' attitude. It appears as if my interests are being highly regarded. Going with my first name 'Jonathan' also makes it seem less formal and relatively gender-neutral (if my first name was not clearly masculine that is).
The language used is fairly well understood, with nary a grammatical error. However, the sentences are somewhat short, and a few could be combined to result in much more pleasant wording.
The short sentences also score on consciseness, to the point of being in point form. On one hand it helps in skimming through the email to find relevant portions. On the other, it makes for lousy reading.
The email is very clear, delineating the different ideas with points in the form of numbering. Emphasis is well placed with the use of exclamation marks.
The brevity of the email causes it to have less coherence and cohesion, simply because it is not long enough to contain the necessary connection of ideas in prose. However, the use of enumeration mitigates it by paragraphing the points together.
This email lacks concreteness in that it does not elaborate on how much more expedient the processing of my packages will be if i were to use the online Matching Service.
Lastly, as with any advertisement, the email lacks total completeness. It fulfills it's purpose in selling the products, but it does not fully educate me on all relevant supporting information i might need to make an informed decision (i still have to do my research on the products).
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Hello Jonathan,
ReplyDeleteMaybe it is just me, but I had to read the above email you received from vPOST thrice before I could comprehend the information within it. Therefore, to me, this email is clearly lacking in clarity.
Although 'Conciseness' is an essential characteristic of effective writing, the content in this email was too brief. This makes it difficult for the reader to extract enough information which in turn means that he or she has to refer to other sources such as the vPOST website for more information. Such emails will then be deleted for those who find it too hasslesome to do so.
However, this email does have its positive points such as its eye-catching subject line which will entice readers, especially those interested in the above service, to read the email.
Hi Jonathan,
ReplyDeleteI agree with you that this email lacks completeness. After reading this advertisement, I am left confused about the actual service vPOST is promoting as it is simply too brief to be informative to reader.
I agree with you that this mail makes lousy reading due to a couple of reasons. For instance, it mentioned about the use of the online Matching Service. However, there was no links provided for its webpage details. Moreover, the instructions given lacked clarity and may prove unhelpful to people unfamiliar with the system.
Caroline
Hey Jonathan,
ReplyDeleteI did recieved the same email from Vpost too. Mine comes every once a month but i hardly ever read them throughly because everything found in the email was too vauge. I remembered that the email comes with pictures and links too? Perhaps that's the case for the brief information. Judging from the frequency of their emails, its possible that they are just trying to create awareness that you're still their member and hopes to draw you into engaging their service? I think although its a very short email, it does provides specific instructions as to how to manage your own vpost account. Therefore, on a overall picture, i still think that their advertisement emails is still pretty useful.
Melissa
I also had to read the message several times before I understood so if it's going to be effective it should give some background and explain what the service is exactly. As far as possible, all the important information should be in the email as they can't assume readers are going to spend a lot of time clicking on links.
ReplyDeleteMrs Richardson
Hi Trina, I think the 'retail therapy' subject title would appeal to female shoppers more than to male(which i am) and thus is not as eye-catching to me.
ReplyDeleteCaroline, Melissa and Mrs Richardson, what you've said is quite true. It seems more to be an "interest-generating" email than one which is really a business email. Therefore they might assume that a shorter email is more likely to capture peoples' attention than one which details everything.